[insert title here because i couldn’t think of any fuck this shit]

I remember a book I read a long, long time ago. Back in college, I think. I haven’t picked up Looking for Alaska in a long time. I haven’t picked up a book in a long time, period. I should do something about that I guess.

But yeah. Like John Green said in that book, life is a labyrinth. Or is it suffering that’s the labyrinth? Or is life that’s a labyrinth of suffering? Or is that what Gabriel Garcia Marquez said? My memory fails me sometimes, really.

Well (why does this word sound so condescending sometimes?), the way I see it, life is a maze. A maze that has different sizes and levels of difficulties, of course.

Life itself, however, is the Grand Maze. Well, because it’s the Grand Suffering. It deserves the capitalization, the little shit.

And this is the only way I can rationalize this thing we call human existence, I guess.

The small mazes, there’s always a way out. In, around, under, through. There’s always a way out.
The Grand Maze, however, is a different ballgame.
Because the Grand Maze, you can say, is the big boss you always have a hard time defeating in video games. It’s a lot more difficult to get out of. And it’s different.

In the Grand Maze, you can go out with a bang, a whimper, a small wave, or with nothing at all.

You can always get out any time you want, really. The catch is: you can’t go back.

Find a way out. That’s all I want to do, to be frank.

Before, the method really isn’t important. What’s important is I get the fuck out of the maze.

But sometimes I don’t distinguish the difference between the small mazes and the Grand Maze.

This happened so many times. So many fucking times.

Thought about it…thinking that maybe, it’s for the best. That maybe I’m not cut out for the Grand Maze in the long run.

It’s just really fortunate that I’m fucking terrified of oblivion.

It made me think. How can one decide that it’s the best for them to exit the Grand Maze entirely? That getting out of different mazes every single day is just…not okay anymore?
That getting out entirely is the best–the only choice? Choice has always been important in these kinds of things. And the sad thing is, I guess we’ll never know.

Sometimes, I wonder which is worse. Staying or going. Finding a way out of the smaller mazes, or going out of the Grand Maze ultimately.

Fuck if I know. But yeah, I guess it’s not time for me to find out.

I guess it’s just making the choice of defeating the monsters and riddles on every maze and get out. By hook or by crook.

Doesn’t matter if I crawl out, dig myself, swim, or run screaming and crying. What’s important is, I get out. And get out ready for the next fucking maze.

That I choose to get ready for the next maze, and all the mazes I could face in the time I exist.

I just hope I make good choices every day.

Advertisements

a shitpost

Lately, it’s been so easy for ‘I’m tired’ to shift to ‘I don’t want to exist anymore.’ Everything made it too fucking easy.

even though each puff will take us further from together

I first saw her at the university rooftop, smoking a cigarette.
“Can I get a light?” I asked her, since I was an idiotic smoker who forgot to bring a lighter.

“Sure,” she said. Tossed me her lighter. I lit my cigarette.

“Thanks,” I mumbled as I gave it back. She just nodded.
I did my business quickly, since there were tons of projects waiting for me at the time.
But I couldn’t get her face out of my mind.

She was smoking again when I saw her next.

I went to the rooftop again to smoke, but that time I have a lighter with me.
She saw me get in. She just nodded at me then turned back to looking at the expanse of the city.

I took my time, savoring every drag. I didn’t have anything urgent to do then. And I wanted to see her face more. I wanted to figure out what it is about her that drew me in.

That she’s pretty is given. Button nose, pouty lips, big eyes. Complete with the image of her hair gently swayed by the wind, she looked like someone out of an ad.

When I finished my cigarette, she was still there. Looking at nothing–everything. I had nothing else to do, so I left.

One thing I wished I saw? Her smile.

“Hey, would you mind if I play some music?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

That’s where it all started. We sat down on the floor, side by side, smoking cigarettes, listening to music.

The songs on her playlist were easy to listen to. Chill beats, relatable lyrics–when I can understand it, because most of the time it’s in another language. Something about slowing down time, remembering moments, thinking about someone late at night, and–the funniest one–cigarettes being used as a metaphor for love.

Her playlist looped back to the first song. It was almost dusk when I forced myself to get up and leave.

“Thanks,” she said with a small smile on face.

I was right. Her face looks more beautiful when she smiles.

“Do you think that we really have a purpose in this world?” she asks me one time. That time we’re looking at the cityscape and just shared a stick.

Up until that point, we never talked about anything except to ask for a light or if we wanted to play some music.

I didn’t know how to answer her. But it looked like she didn’t need any, because she continued talking.

“I mean, okay, we’re here. For what? Do we have a grand purpose? Or we’re just really organisms that just BAM! we’re here and we’re going to make this planet our bitch.

“If it’s just like that, why do we even try? Why do we even make an effort to make something for ourselves? Connect to other people? Dream? If all of this,” she gestured to the blinking lights before she continued, “will just be for nothing after we die, why are we even here?”

Right then she looked at me, clearly expecting an answer.

“For me, we make our own reasons for being here. We’re born and we’re stuck here until we die. So while that’s not happened yet, we have to make our own reason to exist. To be here. Every person’s reason may be different, but that’s okay,” I said with a shrug.

I didn’t expect her to hold my hand and put her head on my shoulder.

The routine is set after that. We smoked, we listened to music, we talked about deep shit. She held my hand sometimes. And then I realized that I never asked her name.

So I asked.

She answered.

Then we went back to talking.

In hindsight, I realized that she didn’t even ask for my name. Well, that should’ve been a hint. But my heart wasn’t the best decision maker then.

I saw her for the last time. We’re not on the rooftop but in front of the school. Now that I’ve seen her in another place than the rooftop and that I know her, it made sense to approach her.

“Hey,” I said once I reached her.

“Hey,” she said back.

I thought about asking her out to coffee but seeing an arm wrap around her shoulders stopped me.

A guy looked at me, then looked at her and asked:

“Babe, you know each other?”

She didn’t spare me a glance as she shook her head. “Oh, no. We just met.”

As they went on their way, the guy nodded at me. She looked back and stared at me. I didn’t give myself time to figure out what that look meant.

Even after all those talks, I realized that I knew nothing about her. At all.

I didn’t go to the rooftop again after that.

from the sea to the shore

the waves

undulating smooth swells

consistent in the unpredictable

reflecting tumultuous–

colors

feelings

thoughts

the skies a cocktail of colors

red 

black yellow  

pink purple orange 

white blue 

grey
as day succumbs to night

as the sun succumbs to darkness

nose of the boat pointing to the right direction
lights from afar

from home

twinkling one by one

guiding wandering souls

waiting for them to come

to the place they were from

This is Elon Musk’s fault (or whoever invented AI robots in the first place)

This may sound morbid and weird but AI robots have it better.

They’re deemed special and smart right off the bat. They’re granted rights and citizenships so easily–rights that actual, livingbreathingthinkingfeeling humans, for some fucking reason, can’t easily get.

What’s better is that they can be switched on and off. Blink in and out of existence with just a flick of switch and some whirring mechanisms. Then, turned on, with a welcome tone and message, like nothing happened.

Is it bad that I want that for myself sometimes?

I just want to take a break from everything, sometimes. Recently it just feels like I’m swimming (read: treading water) in the ocean–I have my life vest, in all its ugly neon orange glory–but the waves come. One after the other. You intake water, lose precious air, in fighting the waves. To not be swept up. To not drown.

Fuck this. I want an on and off switch, too. But of course, like all other things, this universe doesn’t know the word fair–I’m starting to think that only humans have invented that word. Well, like most things that exist right now. Like AI robots. So we lose the battle and the war. There’s no winning.

But I don’t know. I try to be hopeful, most of the times. That the waves will stop coming soon. That I’ll experience the calm sea soon. That the life vest I’m wearing is enough to safely bring me to shore, in all its ugly neon orange glory. That I’ll stop wishing that I’m an AI robot instead.

Fuck. Being human is weird.

this fucking universe will never let us win

When I think about it, the only way you can go through this world–this life–without bursting a vein in the head or tearing your hair out or spiraling down into madness is to just feel everything not too intensely, build walls around your heart and brain, internalize.

But I think, now, that method won’t help at all. Even when you feel things intensely or force apathy and heartlessness, you can’t get out of feeling. One day, everything will just pile up. Overflow. Flood out. Explode. Or implode. The walls you’ve built will be torn down with the force of that flood. Or explosion. Whatever.

The three things I mentioned earlier: bursting a vein in the head, tearing your hair out, spiraling down into madness–it would still fucking happen. No matter what you do. You can’t win. The universe will never let us fucking win.

It’s funny that I only write in this blog when I’m really sad. Lol. Whatever.

Talk later.

 

 

A messy attempt at a music review – Love Yourself: Her

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT have formal education in music theory/music production. I’m not an expert. I’m just a girl who’s stating what she liked about BTS’ new album. That all.

My thoughts on this album wouldn’t let me sleep properly unless I write them down so this is the result.

ok so here goooooes
bulleted points bc it doesn’t sound coherent when i put it in paragraphs

1. Intro: Serendipity

  • The whole track sounds whimsical, gentle, and soft.
  • Jimin’s sweet voice fits the mood of the song.
  • RM’s lyrics are good, as always. Using unusual words like the calico cat and blue mold as lyrics without sounding awkward is niiiice

2. DNA

  • Cohesive with the intro’s thought
  • Use of guitars and whistling as the main melody = thumbs up
  • Autotuuune (I have to remind myself everytime that autotune is not necessarily a bad thing)
  • RM’s part where it pauses (Take it / Take it) LIKE WHAT??? IS THERE A GLITCH????

3. Best of Me

  • The song that I was really unsure about. I have mixed feelings about The Chainsmokers so yeah. But the song turned out nice.
  • The song’s lyrics are sweet and loving – towards ARMYs yaaas
  • The Chainsmokers’ trademarks sounds are there and it turned out quite well with the boys’ style.
  • It is really a nice listen, nicer than I expected, really.

4. dimple/Illegal

  • ONE WORD: ILLEGIRL. I usually don’t like puns BUT WHEN SUNG LIKE THAT WOW I SUDDENLY LOVE PUNS
  • The song captured what people feel about your dimples, Namjoon and Hobi lolol
  • JUNGKOOK’S AD LIBS
  • The vocal line didn’t disappoint as always
  • ANOTHER WORD: SEOKJIN!!!!!!!

5. Pied Piper

  • A diss track of an idol group to their fans hahahaha
  • BTS and ARMY’s relationship is on another level really
  • A song I can always jam to (9 out of 10 times I would dance yep)
  • “Yeah, Suga” makes me feel some type of way
  • The bass line is good aaah (Saw Pdogg’s vid of the bass being recorded and made me wonder why is bass an underrated instrument why)
  • THAT AD LIB (is that Jimin and Jungkook) IN THE CHORUS AFTER THE BRIDGE SOUNDS SO PRETTY
  • This song chastises ARMYs bc of neglecting work and studies in favor of stanning and the dudes sure didn’t like that (but stanning makes people happier so can you blame them)
  • So let’s work and study well and be successful in our own endeavors alongside the boys!!!

6. Skit: BBMAs Speech

  • THIS MAKES MY HEART SO FULL!!!!!!!!!
  • the love yourself hint huh you sneaky sneaks
  • I’m just smiling the whole time whenever I listen to this
  • But the added mic drop part (did Pdogg sacrifice a mic to capture that sound)

7. Mic Drop

  • HEAVY BASS YESSSSSSS
  • “If you’re jealous, then sue me” -wise words from Min Suga 2k17
    and…
  • “Live a life man. Good luck” -from the genius RM
  • The cyphers, i can say, have now come full circle because the boys have reached the top and will continue to reach greater heights and no matter what haters say or do nothing can stop that. No need to say something else towards them.
  • This track def has a lot of swaaag

8. Go Go

  • With reggae and trop sounds
  • The main melody (it sounds like they used a wind instrument for this) sounds a bit like save me’s main melody
  • My friend heard hints of Drake’s fake love in this and in first listen yeah it kinda has that but the other elements made it different (don’t wanna say nuances bc idk if that’s the right term and I can’t give concrete examples of those elements just know that it’s there ugh /cries)
  • DOUBLE TIME IN THE LAST FEW SECS YAS
  • A sarcastic take on materialism so people should always look deeper and read between the lines (not just in bts’ lyrics)

9. Outro: Her

  • Simple instrumentals but it makes you focus on the rap more so yaaas (the rap is a full course meal in itself hehe)
  • SO SWEET IM SOFT THIS ALBUM HAS SO MANY SWEET SONGS
  • Just a thought: RM wrote the hook yes but the Suga touch is there (repeating the last words of the lines) which is also evident in their other songs and in the songs in Agust D. Again, just a thought. I may be wrong so don’t take it the wrong way. (who’s paranoid af? me lol)

 

TOP THREE (WOW WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF)
1. Outro: Her
2. dimple
3. Mic Drop

General comments on the album:

  • IT’S SO SO SO SO SO NICE TO HEAR JIN’S AND V’S VOICES MORE IN THIS RECORD YEEEEESSSS I LOVE THAT TYPE OF STUFF KEEP GOING
  • V’s deep voice provides a nice contrast to the three’s high vocals
  • The record sounds both different and new to me which is cool.
  • This album is a lot lighter (in sound, lyric, even the DNA vid) than most of their previous songs which I dig. Sounds like what it feels like when a relationship is new, or when you have a new crush–giddy, and happy
  • And it also sounds different than the other albums. Saw some comments that it’s not their cup of tea and that’s okay. But let’s not be “i miss your old sound” “i miss the old you” or stuff like that bc this is them, exploring diff styles and growing as artists.
  • And besides, it’s better to stan artists that sound different every record rather than those who sound the same every single fucking record they put out. Bc you can only sing the same tune about the same things in the same style too many times before it becomes redundant and boring. Ok that all
  • I AM EXCITED TO HEAR THE HIDDEN TRACKS!!!!! WHEN WILL MY CD ARRIVE!!!!!! WHY IS EXPRESS SHIPPING SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!!!!!!! I WANNA CRY OVER THE CD NOW GOD
  • Okay, about the auto tune. Auto tune has got a bad rep mainly because of overuse I guess?? Because people who want to sing but can’t hold a fucking tune use auto tune to sound decent.
    Buuuut
    Some are using for stylistic purposes, for example, TPain. Yup. TPain doesn’t need auto tune. He can sing really really good. But he decided to use autotune maybe it will make people notice him more? My take on this. What i’m trying to say is in DNA’s case, it’s used for ~*style*~. We all know that they can sing good. That all.

 

PROPS TO THE BOYS, THE PDs, COMPOSERS, THE PEOPLE WHO PLAYED THE INSTRUMENTS (INSTRUMENTALISTS?? idk the proper term /cries), SOUND ENGINEERS FOR MAKING ANOTHER GOOD ALBUM YOU NEVER DISAPPOINT WOOP
I AM EXCITED FOR THE COMEBACK SHOW BC THERE IS A PEEK INTO THE PRODUCTION PROCESS OF THE ALBUM (if i read correctly???)
DO THAT MORE PLEASE BEC THERE ARE NERDS LIKE ME WHO WANT TO LEARN MORE AND SEE WHERE AND HOW THE MAGIC HAPPENS
I’VE GOT TO BE IN THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS, THE ROOM WHERE IT HAPPENS
I’VE GOT TO BE IN THE ROOOOOOO–okay, that’s a different fandom altogether.

/end of fangirling

If you reached this part, thank you for reading this clusterfuck of a review!!!!! Maybe it doesn’t show but I actually put a lot of thought in this hahaha.

I did my best to be as objective as possible haha

If there are people reading this who are music majors or just people more knowledgeable about music, please talk to me (if I didn’t scare you away lol) I wanna learn more thank uuu

Okay. Talk soon. xx

yes, Dean, i’m 21 now

check out my boy Dean’s songs he good he good

But yeah, I’m twenty-one. Which, apparently, comes with perks. 

  1. I can get a credit card.
  2. I can enter casinos.
  3. Officially an adult now.

Dude, those don’t sound like perks, though. But whatever. All the shit I’m dealing with stays the same.

I am still battling my own demons, falling in love with music more and more every single day, having genuine attempts to not be annoyed at everything I set my eyes on, trying to love myself every day. Nothing new. Same old, same old. But the last one was hard as hell, let me tell you.

I guess I just need to be content with learning new things everyday. To continue to filter the necessary and unnecessary; good and bad; right and wrong; and relearn everyday that those extremes have broad spectrums between them, and that I should know how to figure it out. Make the best of what I gain everyday–happiness, pain, laughter, anger, experiences–and use it to strengthen and build me up as a decent human being. All of those and just going with the flow, without asking the universe what it wants me to do because it sure as fuck won’t answer me (that fucker doesn’t give two shits). After all, the only person who can answer that is…me. Surprise.

I have to figure it out all by myself, at least a part of it. Just enough to get me by. The hardest thing to do, yeah, but also the only thing I could do regarding this one big clusterfuck also known as life.

But yeah, I’m twenty-one. Grew a year older. Hope that I grew up, too, even just a little bit.

Thank you. Talk soon. xx