Hullo.

I see your heart break and I feel your pain
It’s funny how heaven and hell are the same
Come walk with me, I don’t play those games
I live in the real world, I’ve lost my faith

from Death & Taxes, Daniel Caesar

It’s been a while. So many things–changes–happened in the time that I sort of neglected this. I resigned from my job and moved back to the province with my family. It’s been almost three of joblessness and of being broke. I feel aimless and adrift, lost and empty.

Is it okay for a person to feel this lost? Even when they know exactly where they are, why does it feel like there’s no place in the world where they can fit in and be truly free?

What keeps me sane is, as always, music and words. Music with lyrics in a language I don’t even understand but absolutely love, that says hold on to the future. Count one to three, and you’ll feel better. That it’s always darkest before the dawn, so wait for tomorrow and the bright day it brings with it.

Words that string up loving sentences, soft paragraphs, and happy endings. Reading shit like this in the hopes of softening my jaded, wooden heart and bring a slight sliver of hope.

Most of the times, those bring consolation and happiness to me. But take it away from me–honestly, all I have to do is look up from my phone or laptop screen–it’s like I’m back to level one again. Take one step forward, only to take two steps back. It’s kind of enough to bring a person to some kind of sadness. You know that it’s there, no matter how much you laugh, eat your heart out, or do things that make you happy; at night, when it’s all gone and it’s dark and all you have for company is your thoughts, your past, and your mistakes–it’s so easy. It’s so easy to get sucked in, so easy to drown, so easy to give up.

I don’t know how to make this go away–well I know a way, but no. Not that. I have already made my mind up about that. I would always choose this fucking complicated terrifying maze we call life. I’m more afraid of oblivion. But I know that some felt like they have no option but to choose oblivion. I hope this doesn’t arrive at that. I really do.

I need someone to talk to about everything, but it’s hard. I clam up. I’m better when words are written down or typed up, but never ever when they’re spoken. Pulling teeth would be easier.

xxxx

I’ve been listening to Death & Taxes on loop for a while now. I liked the instrumentals and the melody at first (it sure sounds like Gravity by John Mayer to me), the lyrics are… well, damn. Talk about projecting. This song doesn’t raise my spirits up but it sort of validates what I feel, and the state of my mind. It makes me feel less alone, if anything.

xxxx

I’ve run out of words for now. I should sleep. Talk soon.

 

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